


broke my heart now i'm wasting my time on you

by heterocosmica



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Cheating, Denial, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-27 03:08:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17154149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heterocosmica/pseuds/heterocosmica
Summary: Willow copes in all the wrong ways.~Buffy Femslash Secret Santa gift for punchkicker15 on tumblr





	broke my heart now i'm wasting my time on you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [punch_kicker15](https://archiveofourown.org/users/punch_kicker15/gifts).



> Set in season 7 of the show but not terribly canon compliant. It's a short thing so I'm not going to spoil anything, I just hope this comes across as I intended.

They exist in silence. It makes her ears ring and her breath catch on every intake. The oppressive weight of it all calms her down.

It's almost surreal how the pressure, the anxiety that would have broken her before, makes her feel like a person again. Especially nowadays, when even her friends can't make her feel like anything but air. Energy. Like starshine ready to burst out and burn everything down.

She's walking a tightrope but Faith, her touch, her lips… They make her crash down into herself.

Neither of them has said a single word about it. It isn't a thing they do. Talk, that is. But, sometimes, Willow wants to ask things she would if this was real. If it wasn't just a clever escape from their demons but a loving relationship of equals.

She can even fool herself into believing this is a good, healthy thing they're doing.

When Faith kisses her so softly it makes her melt on the spot. When these moments are the only ones that make her feel like Willow again.

But then she tries to ask why Faith's mouth tastes like blood every time and stops herself just before she does. Because she already knows the answer.

Occasionally, when they're all together and she can see Faith and Spike glaring at each other and vying for Buffy's attention, she lets herself feel sad or disappointed. It's fleeting, though. A barely really, barely there bit of emotion she doesn't deserve.

On days like that, she follows Faith into the bathroom, kisses her neck, clings to her waist, whole body clenched until she feels soft fingers in her hair.

They never do anything more than kiss. More than that would be cheating and she has Kennedy and Faith has- well.

She ignores the voice of her younger self on repeat “kissing is cheating, feelings are cheating”. There's no feeling in this. It's just friendship. Just comfort. They're both hurting and this is their healing process.

A lot of the time, they don't even kiss, don't even touch. Mostly, they just sit in silence. Sometimes looking at each other, sometimes looking at the ground. But it always feels right. Better than right, it feels good.

It's not until Sunnydale is just a crater in the ground and the sense of freedom finally washes over their group that she thinks “maybe it should be something… maybe we-” and sees Buffy kiss Faith right there, in front of everyone.

She doesn't get to hurt over this. It's not her right to care. So she pushes it down, turns back to Kennedy, and doesn't meet Faith's eye. 

It wasn't real anyway.


End file.
